How Your House Might Not Be Safe

by lucky cat

supported by
Miriam Hitchcock
Miriam Hitchcock thumbnail
Miriam Hitchcock I've been listening to this nonstop all week, thank you. I really appreciate the whole album, the entire story being told. Reckoning with harm we do to each other and to ourselves is so hard and hard to talk about and I feel like these songs express the messiness and pain and urgency just so well. The raw honesty makes it really powerful and also like, these are just good songs? They're musically interesting and also get stuck in my head. I'm super about all these changes of time in the middle of songs.

Bandcamp wants me to pick a favorite track but howww when this feels so complete altogether. I feel like the best I can do is a three way tie between "Fight or Fly," "Pines & Needles, Hands & Stitches" and "Other Oceans"
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credits

released April 18, 2019

Ana MeiLi Carling: guitar, lead vocals
Audrey Zee Whitesides: guitar, bass, vocals
Alyssa Kai: drums, vocals
Nick Berger: vocals

Recorded Jan 2017 by Danielle DePalma at Seaside Lounge in Brooklyn, NY
Mastered by Warren Hildebrand

Thank you: Lizzie, Charlene, Melo, Wes, Rachika, High Hopes, FNOA, MALLRAT, WMRC, and Silent Barn

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all rights reserved

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about

lucky cat Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

"The band that would have played at the prom on Daria." Lucky Cat is Ana MeiLi, Melo, Charlene, and Audrey.

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Track Name: Fight or Fly
I want you alive
cause I know if you go
you'll go for the reasons
that grip at my loved ones
we're trying to build houses from rotten wood

and we're not living
we're coping, we're stumbling
and feeling is strange
what's familiar is numbing
and kindness always comes as a surprise

cause the ways we've been hurt split us off in directions
that make us go headlong, ignore intersections
we look through the cracks in the bodies of friends for some kind of truth
replaying our trauma as if we can't help it
we've all seen the harm and we've come to expect it
who's going to teach us to cultivate care and make it bloom

do we fight or fly
when neither's an option
we're all on this island
with families chosen
by how we've found ways to survive

it's hardly intentional, really
communities flailing
can't deal with our feelings
we're trying to build houses from what we can find
only time will tell whether we fight or fly

and if you hurt me am I still your keeper
isn't my abuser still one of my people
i've tried but I can't keep the question at bay and it's haunting me
to dream of escape is a waste of our time
that's what makes so many of us want to die
who'll teach us forgiveness when we're so afraid of our own insides
no one's here but us whether we fight or fly

you drove by my house last night
I couldn't let you in
I let you have my bed after our fight
stayed on the couch that night
and lay awake trying to decide
if I was right to doubt
whether or not your kindness
was something I could count on

you wrote a letter, tried to bring it by
but I said no
my friend got caught up in your game
I couldn't have her in my home
I cast out everyone and everything that could tie me to you
except of course there was one tether I couldn't undo

honey you're a beehive
sweet and stinging
I still remember the singing
love, love, love, love
love, love, love

I had to tear myself away
from the lakeside
the days you gave me your good side
love, love, love, love
love, love, love

you told me that you knew you
still had a knife in your back
you kept hurting everyone you touched
you knew that much

and how can I forgive you
now that you've swallowed
the girl I loved more than anyone

and I don't want to see you
I can't be near you
but sometimes I wonder if you're ok
or if I did you harm

the good in you was only
mine to borrow
but we'll both wake up tomorrow
that's what I want
that's what I want
Track Name: Disappear Me
water runs clear
water runs dry
don't disappear
into the tide
make yourself clear
draw the divide
before it's too late
and you're wasting your time

been walking in the shadows
of the ones who caught me red
the ones who haunt my body
and the ones who haunt my bed
I keep on saying I'm sorry
and I don't remember why
I'm toxic now, don't touch me
as the waves begin to rise
and what do they mean
when they tell you to heal
I'm not even
sure if I'm real
don't want to become
the shell I became
don't let me forget
how to say my own name
say my name

and you know that I love you
yeah you know how I feel
but I was made to be alone
so you must not be real
let's talk about unworthy
and talk about ashamed
and talk about unearthly
and talk about afraid
it gets so hard to hold me
when I keep folding in half
and shrinking til there's nothing
left of me to have

don't come disappear me now

water runs clear
water runs dry
am I still here
have I survived
Track Name: Numb
it's a normal day
we're on a blanket in the park
I have to say
you're looking pretty talking smart
infatuation is my drug of choice
the poison that I pick
I want to stuff my face with your sweet self
til I feel sick
I feel sick

your arms are warm
your face is close
your lips are soft
and I'm ok
I'm feeling fine
but maybe not
and it's too late
I froze the moment our lips locked
I'll float away
just in time to feel my heart

anesthetize
become a rock
saying nice try
time to backslide
might not ever
get unstuck
it all fades out until I'm numb
and I'm numb (x3)

I keep my baggage
tied in slip knots packed up tight
but I let girls like
you come in and pick locks overnight
I hate the way I
talk the talk but walk the walk of shame
and I should know it
should know it always feels the same

slipping back into old habits
in some kind of stone-faced panic
might just cut to TV static
shhh
I can only have you for a moment
before I get lost or frozen
maybe this is the closest we'll ever come
before it all wears off and I'm numb
Track Name: Holding Out
I want to go back to all your hometowns
your hand in mine as you show me around
old houses better off left for the burning
but I'll cross that bridge with you if I'm allowed
I want to love who you were when you lived here
if I couldn't then, then at least I can now
what are the chances we both ended up here
we both stuck around long enough to get out

and I

I want to show you the room that I left behind
me growing up in a big empty house
I always said I would never move back here
the poison had run much too deep suck out
blown to the city by harsh ugly winds
I got here unbalanced, uprooted, alone
I'd done all my running, in one big wide circle
that apple tree had me just fall right back home

and I was holding out

saw myself being alone for a lifetime
and hope never made it to your bedroom door
sealed in a vacuum how do you keep breathing
you could call it witchery, staying afloat
the silence just fed on me, I wasn't eating
you tell me how good you got at disappearing
I guess we're a snowball in hell, but I'll take it
god damn, I'm so glad, I'm so glad we both didn't die

cause I was holding out for you, honey
Track Name: Terrible Horrible Story
come on lazy, off the couch
sitting in that sunday slouch
I promise you can eat more ice cream later
come on baby, brush your teeth
make yourself something to eat
you're such a masterful procrastinator

and you can spend your afternoons
getting high on the blues
you can black and white this world until you're wasted

at best you're sad, at worst depressed
trying to make something out of your loneliness
climbing up that scrap heap
and you wonder why you can't sleep

it's the terrible horrible story I tell myself
when the jury's out, the power's down and I'm by myself
the only constant, I'm my own anchor
when I'm lost at sea it gets louder and louder and louder and louder

it's the terrible horrible story I tell myself

did you know I'm an impostor, did you look real close
underneath I'm just a monster in her Sunday clothes
and all these city streets won't forgive me now
on this cold concrete, it's too late to turn around

it's the terrible horrible story I tell myself

and have I paid my debt in sadness yet
will this be the death of me
the punch I pack don't love me back
but god damn how well it knows me
when all roads lead you to alone
there's nothing left to see
do push and shove count as self love
when you're trying not to draw blood

well I froze myself so cold I couldn't feel at all
burrowing into this hole just to avoid the thaw
and what if and what if and what if and what if
what if I feel it
can you feel it now

terrible horrible
Track Name: Blue
watch me wash blue for you
overwhelmed, but I'm wading through
the bruise and swell
the ache my throat's a cradle to

you honeywell
you sting and soothe
when all is well
the hurt still feels at home in you

you warp my windows
stoke my storms
always close but never warm
and I can't help but blame it on
I can't help but blue and blue and blue

lie in bed
watch tv
there's no world outside for me
I just sleep
I just breathe
nothing's different in my dreams
Track Name: Pines & Needles, Hands & Stitches
learn to exit the body, a ghost through a wall
but it's not long before you're not welcome back in
and you hover above yourself, watching the lights
turning on and off, on and off behind the windows

you know people want you, they think that you're home
but you don't know if you're still alive, so you don't
even think about how your house might not be safe
you don't know how to show up, only how to fade

and now you're getting pins and needles
wakening you in strange ways
find the hands working the stitches
are yours and you make them obey

and if you want to feel the sweetness
of surviving until now
first you'll have to feel your weakness
cause not all you've done will make you proud
you keep on haunting your own house

let's go for a drive
we're the only light
on the road as far
as the eye can see
alone with you
in the shadows of pines
I should have known
not to cross the yellow line

if you've already forgiven me
why do I feel like I'll never be clean
days, weeks, and months go by with no change
can't seem to bring myself to believe

it's a cool summer night
you're behind the wheel
but I know you're not telling me
what you really feel
there's a warmth, there's a whisper
I choose to ignore
but I've made this choice before

if you accept my apology
why do I still feel so sorry
weeks, months, and years and I'm running in place
long after you've gone away

and everybody always told me that I needed thicker skin
people kept on taking parts of me that weren't theirs to take
never knowing where another person ends and I begin
without walls, I couldn't keep myself or anyone else safe

a knot I've tried to undo many
times, I'm tangled in the vines
and I don't know how long I'll be here
don't know how to make it right

I've asked for mercy, asked for patience
asked for blades against my skin
a bitterness, and I can feel
how bad my body wants revenge

and still there is something telling me if
you cannot forgive you cannot move on
you want to get strong, climbing hand over fist
but you keep losing grip when you try to hold on
compassion's a thing you know how to give
but when you try to take it, it just feels wrong
and still there is something telling me if
you cannot forgive you cannot move on

you want to untangle yourself from the tethers
and have a body to call your own
instead of a shell that has left you indebted
to every person to whom you've done harm
you want to repair the things you have broken
but some of them won't answer when you call
instead come the whispers telling you if
you cannot forgive you cannot move on
Track Name: Other Oceans
dreamed last night I tried to hide you
from the man who claimed to own you
somehow he would always find you
couldn't stop him wailing on you
tried to shield you with my body
but I'm just as soft as you are
older yeah, but I've been broken too
by those who claimed to love me

I remember you from somewhere
worlds behind me, they still find me

and I was twelve years old the first time
someone put his hands on me
numb, confused and cold
I watched him in the mirror, far away
I didn't think of no, so I said yes
I guess that's what I get
sometimes the safest thing
is to pretend you wanted it

drown it out with pills and liquor
being sick just made me sicker
watched my body sabotage me
sink or swim here in the water

do you remember which way is up

and I don't believe in safe spaces
I don't believe safety exists
I've had my mind battle my body
got the tally marks to show it
still I want to hold onto you
bring you somewhere warm and say
I see you, I believe you
I can't tell you it will be ok
but you're welcome in my fucked up house
as long as you feel you belong
I can't promise you anything
but I can long for what you long for
I can long for what you long for

used to dream of other oceans
full of fish who knew my colors
thought I was just treading water
but I'm closer 10 years later

do you remember which way is up

they tell you it gets better
and it's true for me at least in some ways
but I'm still afraid my friends will die
I know I'll lose them someday
can't tell you it's worth staying alive
cause I don't know your pain

but I know mine and see it in you
I'll stay in this nightmare with you
signaling from other oceans
if you swim, I just might reach you

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